Me: (accelerating onto highway) Her: We would have been here 6 minutes ago if you hadn’t insisted on stopping to get gas like an old lady. Me: We did not have enough gas to get home. The fuel light had been on for 20 miles. Her: You had PLENTY of gas. I once drove 90 [...]
Archive for September, 2006
Sample Conversation Re: Don’t drive with these people
Published September 30th, 2006 in Daily. 0 CommentsReinterpretation of collage, simplified to its most basic tenet: a singleminded intensity. Decoupage and repetition. And it meets all the goals of our Artistic Statement Re: Collage. This wall of Picassos does its part to keep collage pure.
The time: 8:50 AM The traffic: Heavy The perpetrator: In an Audi S/his speed: Fast My intent: Get on the road S/his intent: Pass school bus on the right My response: Grim swerving/ yelling Fear not, Gentle Reader. At the last minute, collision was averted. And the villagers rejoiced.
Anatomy of a Neurotic Pet Owner
Published September 28th, 2006 in Daily and Sample Conversation. 0 CommentsHer: Have you seen Holly?? (the cat) Me: No. Dryer: THUMP THUMP THUMP. Her: Oh my god! (Rushes out of the room.) Dryer: (Sudden silence) Me: That sound was my shoes, not the cat. Her: Well, what do you think a cat sounds like in a dryer?
copy of Jane Eyre: check umbrella: check contact lens solution: check overpriced drawing noteook: check book on renaissance art: check staple gun: check
Hot headlines for this Monday, September 25, 2006: -Injured Dolphin To Possibly Receive Prosthetic Tail -Katie Couric Disrobes On Your TV -Monkeys From Heaven Bring The Key To Wisdom -Economy Destroyed By Falling Gas Prices And now back to the studio. Katie?
Dear US News, I have been reading this deep and insightful parroting of the Bush Administration’s higher education policies. I for one would like to say Shame On You for the following reasons: 1. You exist to sell magazines 2. You are successful at it 3. You have singlehandedly forced all Americans to embrace materialism, [...]
Outrageous Apple prices and blah blah blah. Article on how to connect a video iPod to the TV with cheap and unlovely camcorder cables. Useful in those instances when you feel like spending a few hours copying movies to your iPod and then carting it to your friend’s house rather than just watching whatever DVDs [...]
“I must do it… because it is something which I must do!” – How to Steal a Million The perfect answer to many an obnoxious question.
Web Design: A Profession For Dullards And Pedants
Published September 19th, 2006 in Daily. 0 CommentsIf you go into your average office, you are unlikely to find a web designer. Typically, the web design function is accomplished or badly bungled by the receptionist, resident grad student, accountant’s son, etc. Go to an atypical office where an actual web designer is employed and ask them their objectives for employment. While you [...]
If only we could. Is your grocery store a grim scene with bagged spinach removed from the shelves, bagged lettuce shunned by all, and non-bagged lettuce soaring in price and scarcity? Because mine is. Also, do you ever go to the store and fail to buy anything on your list, instead purchasing 52 frozen mini [...]
“You should incorporate collage” and “statement of artistic purpose” are two oft-heard themes in art school (well in my art school in any case). I have combined them for your reading and my writing pleasure. Collage is the art of high school girls. It is the way a young girl can focus her love on [...]
If you’re going to document your life, get the dates right! -Someone Wise
I’ve been using “low odor” mineral spirits (a kind of paint thinner) lately to paint with. It came from Lowes, where they don’t sell the odorless kind. I don’t know why. Let me clarify what I don’t know- I don’t know why they sell this stuff at Lowes and I don’t know what possessed me [...]
Sample Conversation Re: Dog Diarrhea
Published September 13th, 2006 in Daily and Sample Conversation. 0 CommentsMe: (silently, grimly scrubbing bag with lysol) Her: Did you get diarrhea on your bag? Me: No. Your disgusting dog did. Her: Excuse me? Me: You make it sound as though I was the one who had diarrhea all over the living room, which is not the case. It was your dog that was the [...]
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