Sometimes I long to call up Nextel with inane questions in an effort to drive their customer service personnel as crazy as they drive me.

Consider the following conversation which is:

Real. Holy. Sincere.

Real. Holy. Sincere. conversation follows

Me: I’d like to add the free nights and weekends starting at 7?
CSR: IT’S NOT FREE IT IS FIVE DOLLARS
Me: Oh… well, I saw on the website that it was free and if you wanted to have nights and weekends start at 5 then that was five extra dollars.
CSR: THERE IS NO NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS STARTING AT FIVE PM ONLY SIX OR SEVEN IT DEPENDS ON THE PLAN
Me: On the website it said 5… I thought…
CSR: I’M GONNA PUT YOU ON HOLD
Me: Okay.
Time passes
CSR: (accusingly) IT SAYS HERE YOUR NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS START AT 9 PM.
Me: I know that, I’m trying to get it to start at 7 which I thought was free- according to the information on your website.
CSR: NO!!! IT IS FIVE DOLLARS.
Me: Okay. I’m not going to make the change at this time.
CSR: THANK YOU FOR CALLING SPRINT WE TRULY VALUE YOUR BUSINESS

Where do they find these people? Even when I worked in phone customer service I wasn’t this bloody-minded*.

But if we can have this kind of fun with real questions, just imagine the amount of fun we can have with really dippy made up ones. About the intricacies of phone plans.

I’m sure it takes a special kind of person to call up these poor fools just in order to harass them.

A me kind of person. A me kind of special.

*a rare instance when the Britishism is the only word that really fits

My salsa has frozen. This is going to make it difficult to “Feel the fiesta.”

But I am a Man, an American, a College Graduate.

I am going to get through this.

Dear Butterfingers,

I understand what’s going on. Your number is (571) 237- 6374. My number is (571) 237- 6371. The 1 is above the 4 and you keep misdialing when checking your Goddam voice mail.

You have to stop this. Please. Please stop dialing my number at 7 AM. I assume anyone who calls me at 7 AM is having an emergency, not simply using their butterfingers to misdial their own voice mail. Please also stop dialing my number at 9:30 AM, 10:45 AM, and all other available times.

In the interest of good will I guess I will apologize for the following conversation that we had at 9:30 AM:

Me: (picking up phone from deep sleep) Who are you? Why do you keep calling me?
You: (mumbling some elaborate story in thick Spanish accent)
Me: What the hell? (I hang up)

Ordinarily I am up by 9:30 and busily at work*. Let’s recap the night.

2 AM: Go to bed.
3:30 AM: Wake up melting in extraordinary heat from suddenly overactive heater.
3:45 AM: Crawl down risky loft ladder to turn down thermostat.
3:45 to 6 AM: Lay (LIE!) in bed stewing about life circumstances. Divorce, bankruptcy, demented realtors, etc.
6 AM: Doze off
7 AM: Alarming phone call nearly gives me heart attack.
9:30 AM: Unfortunate conversation
11:10 AM: Finally drag myself out of bed, feeling like hell, looking like hell, tired as hell. Attempt to proceed with appalling, hallucinatory, sleep-deprived day.

You can see how your phone behavior is impacting my life.

Thank you for your consideration.

Kevin Inman
Insomniac,
Owner of the Cell Phone At The Other End of (571) 237- 6371,
and Concerned Citizen

*This is increasingly a total lie.

A sign at Macado’s, our local Guinness seller.

I love this “sense of urgency” business. I do not think I am suited for this job.

Next:

Hot Pot is probably the best term for this unholy meal. It doesn’t look too scary in the picture but here is the list of ingredients:

1 Lean Cuisine Chicken Primavera frozen bag dinner (about 2 years old)
1/2 bag tortellini
Leftover hashbrowns
6 frozen fried breaded chicken tenders
1/2 bag baby spinach which mysteriously froze in the crisper

Unholy? I’ll let you decide for yourselves.

Then there are these shopping carts for Midgets:

And I wonder if “midgets” is seriously rude and un-PC but really what else can you say? I put “shrimps” on Flickr when I uploaded the photo but somehow that seems even worse. Shrimps/ Midgets/ Short People– they exist but what can you politely call them?

I think this is yet another example of the elephant in the room like today in Art History class we were asked to compare Matisse’s naked man statue to Rodin’s Walking Man and nobody pointed out that Matisse’s naked man has frankly a giant nutsack while Rodin’s has none…

I have just purchased a milkshake at Sonic.

I think that cookies and cream milkshakes, though harder to drink, are also more rewarding.

But this one is ridiculously thick. I am going to have to add milk.

Also today I learned that there isn’t really a place to order at Sonic if you are not in your car. That inviting door just leads to the kitchen.

Fantastic weekend. I love this photo of Alaina and Brutus: